110 hrs

Well I'm off for the weekend. Even though I am basically talking to myself, I think blogging is helping me work through all this in my mind. I joined women of sobriety today. I was going to order the starter packet, but the shipping was 15.95! I'm hoping to find it available on my kindle instead. I'm hoping it will help give me direction and some wisdom for this whole "sober living" thing. This weekend is going to be hard. There is beer and whiskey at the house, and I know my husband will be drinking. I'm going to give it 110% though, and really try to resist the cravings :X I can do this? I can do this!~

105 hrs

I'm going to start a new blog next week if I successfully make it through this weekend :) I had a great, relaxing day with the kids; and got a lot of cleaning done. The only times I was even tempted, was when my husband called me pissy about a job...when I wasn't even AT work when he brought it in :/ ; and when he was drinking whiskey and coke that night. I haven't told him that I'm trying to quit quit, and probably won't for a while. Mainly because I don't need his disapointment along with mine if I fail again. He has noticed me not drinking I think, but hasn't said anything thankfully. I just want to keep it to myself and not talk about it right now.

64 hrs..yes they are coming closer together

I am fighting a battle with my brain, one that I'm afraid will not end soon. "You're not an alcoholic, you don't drink all the time, you've quit before many times..why not just have a couple of beers tonight" < This is pretty much the dialog in my head (I'm really not sure that I AM an alcoholic, but there are signs that I am heading that way) Then I argue with myself "Yes, you could have a couple of beers tonight...but then you would have a couple of beers tomorrow...then Friday you would go pick up some vodka a drink yourself into a stupor...there would be more vodka left on Sat...you have to take I to a party at 11:00, pick up J at 2:00...but then you would be free to drink the rest of Sat.... Sunday you would feel like crap, and probably drink some beer to "feel better"." <<<This is how I end up drinking everyday. I need to acknowledge this reality. If I were fine drinking a couple of beers, it would not lead to this!

61 hrs

You know, it seems to get to me at the same time every day. I've never noticed that until I started this blog. I guess 1-2pm is when I start thinking about drinking. I guess because the work day is winding down, and I know I will soon be home and able to drink? The "should I stop at the liquor store" question seems to haunt me. Today the kids are home with my husband, so my office has been quiet. Tomorrow I am staying home with the kids to get some cleaning done before my FIL comes for his yearly visit. I'm worried about my ability to be at home *alone* with alcohol and not drink it :X Why did I do this to myself?! Alcohol should not call out to me like this :(

56hrs

Last night was rough. I was frazzled and tired, I REALLY wanted a drink. Exp. when my husband drank a couple of beers. I found myself rationalizing "why am I doing this?", "I should be able to have a few beers after a long day like this" ect ect ect. But I reminded myself that I CAN'T just have a few beers ..over and over again. Before I know it I will be stopping by the liquor store to pick up and hide a bottle of vodka. Why do I do that? Well my husband keeps track of the alcohol in the house. He knows I have a problem controlling my drinking.  He has asked me to stop before. That is when I went 23 days sober; my longest stretch so far. I got drunk and feel down a little staircase in our house and sprained my ankle really bad. There have been other instances of downright drunkenness to the point I didn't know what I was doing...and he was not a fan :X He worries about me, he loves me. I know this, but when I'm actively drinking, I resent it.

39 hrs

 I'm blogging again already, because it has been a rough day. I have my kids with me at work when they are not in school. Normally it's not bad, but they got back from camp a couple of days ago and learned lots of new songs. 2 hours into them singing The Song That Never Ends and other annoying classics; I developed quite the headache.  It is pounded away still, they are hanging all over me... hovering over my shoulder....I am not loving it. I sure would love to head home and relax with a couple of beers...maybe a bottle of wine... *sigh* Must be strong! 

34 hrs

So I'm feeling pretty positive about keeping track of the hours and then days of sobriety better this time. Hopefully it and the blog will help keep me on track. Work has been really slow the last couple of months. When it picks up, I really need to get a smart phone so I can blog from there since internet is not available at the house. My drinking started to become a problem gradually after we opened our own business 7 yrs ago. It's a huge amount of responsibility and stress; somehow I got in the habit of having a drink or two before bed to "de-stress". Then I would drink on the weekends "to relax". Then I started waking up at 2-3 am, having a drink or two, then going back to bed. Drinking everyday became normal :X Sometimes a few beers, sometimes a bottle of wine, often an unhealthy amount of vokda in my diet pepsi. Now I have a horrible time getting to sleep w/o drinking something first. I lay there and toss and turn...itchy and restless. Knowing this, I got something to help me sleep last night. Just an OTC med to temporarily help. Not a great answer, but a realistic one. Getting up after hrs of tossing & turning; and having a drink to help me sleep is how I keep falling back in. I must do this! I am causing damage to my heart and body. And no matter how much I don't want to admit it: It effects who I am as a wife and mother.